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Name: Cait ♥
Birthday: 11/26/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: My Savior, Design, Photography, Friends&Family, WPCC Student Leadership, Smoothies, Laughing, Music, Hugs, Genuinity, Rain.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
2/5/2005
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| Hahaha, oh my gosh!
I haven't posted on here in a really long time. Well, no one really has. Isn't crazy how fast we've all moved on? It's a trip looking back on all my past entries, haha - all the drama and worry and venting...all the memories, all the growing, all the changing of relationships and emotions and perspectives. The heartbreak, the celebrating, the foolishness, the unexpected moments of honest wisdom, the poetry, the messes, the posts of complete and utter confusion and the follow-ups of revelations and realizations. And we let each other into it all - isn't that sort of amazing in and of itself? Haha, I don't know.
It knocks me off my feet how much everyone and everything can change when you're not looking. A year ago I was praising people I haven't even talked to in months, I was heartbroken over moments and relationships I've almost totally forgotten about, and I was constantly looking forward to a future I never could have pegged, no matter how much I tried.
The boys I thought I would never move on from have respectively moved on to a wild college life, made plans to move in with a girl I never would have seen coming, and gone on to serve third-world countries with best friends; as I went on to date a guy I thought it would never work out with - for over a year and counting. Girl friends I was convinced I would never grow apart from have gone on to sororities, art colleges, and serious relationships with guys I'd never even met before. The best friend I was positive I'd attend 4 years of college with at CSU enrolled at a Christian college in Arkansas shortly before I made the decision to apply to a 1-year entertainment business university in Florida. I thought I had it all figured out, and now more than ever it's hitting me that I still have an entire life ahead of me to discover. What a crazy, intense, amazing adventure!
I'm sure I'm the only one that can actually understand, much less appreciate, my sudden burst of nostalgia and inspiration, haha, but that's okay. I guess the point is that I really can't help feeling incredibly blessed for the events, situations, relationships, and emotions that have allowed me to grow in such an unexpected way, and for the God that never fails to lead me in the right direction, even when I can't even begin to comprehend or understand His amazing plans for me - the lyrics, the looks, the smiles, the embraces, the tears, the melodies, and the prayers that always seemed to do the moment perfect justice, and the loving arms that carried me when I finally realized I didn't exactly know the way on my own.
Everything I took for granted that Jesus moved through to slowly and beautifully shape me into this crazy, imperfect masterpiece of a girl He's absolutely enthralled with;
The masterfully orchestrated rhythm of beautiful letdown, growth, love, and grace that I never could have heard, imagined, or dreamt of in my wildest dreams;
This life that takes you to the very edge, but then gives you the power to freeze or to JUMP;
The love that's worth living for as much as it's worth dying for;
The GOD that died for a girl that, even when she tries, doesn't always love him so well in return,
And a powerful promise of happily ever after together, no matter how rough the journey gets -
How can I stand here and not be moved? | | |
| Yeah...
I don't really know who I am anymore.
Haha...that sounds horribly dramatic, but it's sorta true.
God's definitely humbled me in the last 24hrs.
I have all these ideas in my head of what I want to be.
Good, godly, gorgeous, captivating, fun, loving, desired, pursued...
completely and totally GOD'S.
But when I look closer, it all just fades.
I like the sound of it, but I have NO idea what it means to LIVE it.
I have no idea what it truly means to ME.
Blah...
Haha, I have so much to learn. | | |
| [Muses:]
Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'
He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of
[Meg:]
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
[Muses:]
You swoon, you sigh
why deny it, uh-oh
[Meg:]
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love
I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming "Get a grip, girl!
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out!"
Oh...
[My new "theme song", as decided by Sarah Worscheck, haha]
So here I am, summer before my Senior year - and I have absolutely no idea where my heart is.
I'm going to be honest with you guys and say that I have a lot yet to figure out. No duh. Haha. There are SOO many things going on in my heart right now, and I hardly know what to do with it. I've grown really skeptical when it comes to relationships. As much as I would love one, whenever someone mentions wanting one with me, I freak out and either [a] start second-guessing my feelings for them and write it off as friends, [b] start second-guessing their feelings for ME and assume they're just saying it to get the physical, or [c] freak out that I'm not ready and push it away so I don't have to deal with it. Just last night I was talking to a guy pretty close to my heart and when something came up and me jokingly having no bubble with him and how he was gonna push my bubble just to see what I did - and I fired back with something along the lines of "whatever, you just want me for my body. It has NOTHING to do with ME - haha." and when he asked what I was talking about, I just HAMMERED him with something about his raging hormones and how I understand if he doesn't care about me - and he actually SURPRISED me when he was like "Are you KIDDING me, Caitlin? Of course I care about you!"
When I looked back on it, even if I was trying to protect myself, it was a really disrespectful way to talk to someone who has never said ANYTHING to make me think he doesn't care about me, even if I didn't mean it that way. Yeah, he IS a teenager with some crazy hormones and some stuff he needs to figure out, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to respect me, and I should know that with how close we are. I didn't realize 'til looking back how much that could have hurt me if someone had said the same to ME. I still have a lot to work on.
The last week has opened my eyes to how poorly I'm handling some of my girl-guy relationships, and how lost I REALLY am in dealing with that. I can be so selfish in wanting the absolute BIGGEST potential from every relationship I get in with a guy, and blind in the way I run to seeking what I don't even desire when I get lonely. I'm to the point where I'm scared to death of the same pain I experienced the last time I really fell for someone - and missing like crazy the feeling that same relationship gave me. I run for another chance at it, but when I get it, I recall how awful I felt in the aftermath and run for dear life for the DOOR - anywhere but that same path. I thought I had things so figured out, but now I'm second-guessing that I even know anything at all. I'm doubting everything about so many relationships, and allowing that to turn on the AMAZING guys that surround me. I'm hurting and disrespecting the boys I love in my own fear. It's time for me to be real.
I know things will be fine, but pray for me, guys - 'cause I see some big battles comin' <3
[Meg:]
This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love | | |
| AHHH!! lskadhfasuiodgfbfs hahaha.
Dude. I don't even know.
So, that guy and I that weren't even really friends anymore? YEAH, of course, now he's all buddy-buddy with me again. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. Hahaaa...I give up. I'm not even going to TRY to understand.
On top of that, one of my best guy friends pulled me aside at youth Sunday and asked if we had a "thing" - hahaha. I definitely did NOT expect that, and although we talked and I can see where he is coming from, It totally confused me and honestly made me feel really awkward haha. I need to get over that.
Eww. And I need to read my AP books, and I have, like, NO motivation.
Haha, lame!
Gosh.
:P | | |
| Heyyy :]
Man, I don't even know where to start.
This summer has been CRAZY. So much is changing and growing. My relationships are ALL over the place. I'm growing really close to people I never expected to even be friends with, and growing away from people I thought would always be right there beside me. My perspectives on life and God and relationships and myself have practically done a 180, and my view of reality has totally shifted. I never expected so much to change in one summer.
[I've pretty much let "him" go. You-know-who and I are hardly even FRIENDS anymore. The last 2 times we hung out, we hardly said one sentence to each other - and that's saying something, if you know where we used to be. It's hard to look back at how close we were and know where we ended up. It's in God's hands, but regardless, it's hard to see relationships that used to mean so much to you drift away so suddenly. Sometimes it takes more strength to let go than it does to hold on.]
Speaking of which...dating...haha. Obviously, I can't control my emotions - even when I know what God is calling me to - but bottom-line, as hard as it can be to accept sometimes, I think it's best right now to just avoid it all-together. There is SOO much going on, I have 10 months 'til I graduate, and as much as I would love to have that sort of relationship in my life, I don't think it's the right time. I don't want to hurt any more friendships, and I know I'll get attached if I get into something this year. I have a TON of other stuff I should focus on - college and school and student leadership and getting my life together and all the OTHER relationships God's blessed me with - when I get into a relationship, I want to be ALL there - not distracted by the rest of my life. Where I am right now is God's place for me, it's time to live and believe and love right here (straight outta Corinthians <3) As much as I ADORE the men around me, it's on God's timing - not mine. & I trust Him... :)
God's calling me to somethin' - and whatever it is, it's forced me to deny myself a LOT lately. I'm gettin' put in all these uncomfortable situations, pressured into undesirable roles, encouraged to pull away from certain relationships, pushed to forget my own plans - and as much as it TOTALLY hurts sometimes, I know God's will in my life is perfect...and I know it will turn out even better than I can imagine, in the end. He's moving mountains, and as long as I trust Him, I know I'll be more than okay... :)
"Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah -
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there."
(Drive - Incubus)
PS - For Sarah & those of you that have NOT gotten to see any pictures of PROM - Here's a couple :)
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